Discovering My Husband's Secret

Three years ago this month I made the most horrifying discovery of my life.  It doesn't take much to recall the emotions of that day.  The dread that I felt in the pit of my stomach is still palpable.  The horror, fear, and disillusionment all encompassed me.  In a moment my vision of a perfect marriage crumbled before my eyes. It was as if a knife had been driven in my heart. At no point in my life had I ever been so devastated.

Devastated is an incredibly powerful word.  It paints the picture of a complete and desolate land.  A land that used to hold vibrant colors and joy, now completely war torn and laid to waste.  When I think about devastation I think about hurricane and flood images.  I think about refugees with no place to go.  Devastated is truly a powerful word, but that's exactly how I felt.

I felt devastated, shattered and destroyed the day I discovered proof of what my heart had long suspected.  My soul was literally left war torn and broken the day I discovered my husband had been looking at internet pornography.

I remember the moment as if it were yesterday.  I remember the vile video on the recent play list, and I remember in that moment how everything in my marriage seemed to change. But while it felt like my marriage had just become exponentially worse, in reality God used this moment in our marriage as a turning point.

Imagine having lung cancer and never knowing about it.  At first you simply get out of breath quicker, then you feel as if you have a cold you just can't get rid of.  Two small symptoms that could easily be ignored.  But the cancer continues to grow, and the symptoms get worse.  New symptoms show up, back aches, headaches, shooting pains as the cancer spreads to the nervous system and becomes more incurable.

Now imagine sitting in the doctors office and hearing the words, " You have lung cancer, but we caught it very early and if we begin aggressive treatment your prognosis is very, very good."  You'd be devastated with the news that you have a cancer in your body.  The thought of going through treatment, and losing your health, hair, and freedom would be crushing.  

The diagnosis is crushing but which situation would you rather? Ignorant bliss or a diagnosis? There's cancer either way. But there is only hope of healing with the crushing blow of the diagnosis.

Three years ago this month, I made the most horrifying discovery of my life but something else happened that day as well.  My marriage already had cancer even if I didn't realize it, discovering the pornography was DEVASTATING, but it was also the biggest blessing of my life.  Healing and restoration never would have happened otherwise.

If you've discovered your spouse or child has been looking at or is addicted to internet pornography there is hope.  Christ can restore anything.  I hope my family's story will encourage you as you begin a journey of healing.

Internet pornography is a leading cause of divorce and the fastest growing addiction.  YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO IS AFFECTED BY PORNOGRAPHY.  Take a moment to share this post, so someone who you might not even realize is suffering may be blessed by it.  Sharing this post might just save a marriage.

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